The news of our impending immortality hit the airwaves to an overwhelming quietude. When asked about the report we recently released, people were nonplussed.
‘Whatever,’ people said.
‘We’ve known this was coming forever,’ people said. ‘Immortality is great and all. But how long will it last?’
Have you been living like you’re immortal? (It’s easy…)
People have been banking on their immortality. It’s the only way to explain the amount of time wasted scrolling and scrolling and scrolling down their instagram feeds. If you think you might die someday, you’re likely to be motivated to get out there and do something; see the world; have sex; make art, play, work, meet people, do something, anything, really. Who knows! If you know you’re going to live forever, you might as well just sit there and scroll. FOREVER!
But people should be excited about this:
Not what you’re thinking. These subdermal high-tech devices are letting people do all kinds of crazy things they’ve never been able to before.
Patrick Kramer sticks a needle into a customer’s hand and injects a microchip the size of a grain of rice under the skin. “You’re now a cyborg,” he says after plastering a Band-Aid on the small wound between Guilherme Geronimo’s thumb and index finger. The 34-year-old Brazilian plans to use the chip, similar to those implanted in millions of cats, dogs, and livestock, to unlock doors and store a digital business card.
SIIIICK! (but wait, there’s more!)
Kramer is chief executive officer of Digiwell, a Hamburg startup in what aficionados call body hacking—digital technology inserted into people. Kramer says he’s implanted about 2,000 such chips in the past 18 months, and he has three in his own hands: to open his office door, store medical data, and share his contact information. Digiwell is one of a handful of companies offering similar services, and biohacking advocates estimate there are about 100,000 cyborgs worldwide. “The question isn’t ‘Do you have a microchip?’ ” Kramer says. “It’s more like, ‘How many?’ We’ve entered the mainstream.”
The latest way to be ‘the man’
As with everything else humans do, it’s the more the better. If we didn’t keep count, how else would we be able to tell who ‘the man’ is?
You do want to be ‘the man,’ don’t you?
Now you know what to do. Head down to the body hack shop and get set up with your implants today. Think of all the useful things you’ll be able to do!
The future is now! (at last…)